Many seasons in life have led me to this very moment—
A moment filled with overwhelming feelings of undeserving privileges,
Moments and reminders that I am loved by You.
Mistakes born from my many attempts to run my life on my own terms— Too impatient for Your answers,
Every heartbreak from relationships You nudged me about repeatedly.
Your disapproval was in the chaos of my heart,
The weariness in my eyes,
And the longing to be someone other than who You made me.
Just to catch the slightest glimpse of peace,
I failed to realize that Your absence meant no peace at all.
But still, I fought to win approval,
To fit into places I had no business being in the first place.
What about the fear of launching into the deep—
Unknown places and opportunities?
And the times I thought I could work to earn righteousness,
Placing hard expectations on myself,
And by extension, on others who didn’t even care to be with You?
I took on battles You never asked me to fight.
I upheld the law to its harshest extremes—legalistic.
And when I ran from You, thinking being with You was hard,
A single step outside Your presence reminded me quickly:
Being away from You was a second closer to hopelessness, emptiness, and darkness.
A reality I had lived until You drew me out of the cycle the tempter created for my demise.
I was caught between life and death until You taught me to look to You— So I wouldn’t drown in the puddle of my choices.
Unlike many, my vices were more internal than external:
Intrusive thoughts ran rampant in my mind until You taught me to take them captive.
Let’s not forget the snare of my emotions—leading me to weak and hasty conclusions about situations and people.
But You showed me how to be led by the Spirit, not the flesh.
When I didn’t love or see value in who I was—measuring myself against the world instead of Your image—
You reminded me that the price You paid was in blood, not cash or human validation.
In the absence of a physical guide, You guided me with a whisper—
So I could walk in light and not darkness.
When the beast mapped out my life by what he thought he knew—attempting to blind me from the beauty You placed in me—
You reminded me that I am the apple of Your eye.
What I feel every day in my heart will never fully quantify what I know love to be:
To love is to see, to protect, to give, and never give up.
The summation of my life is the truest love story:
That a man would lay down His life for a complex being like me—flawed as wide and deep as the ocean.
To know my innermost being and yet choose to stay close…
It’s one thing to stay but another entirely to look beyond what You know.
How does one stick with loving a heart so desperately wicked?
How do I measure up? I ask. But You haven’t called me to measure up.
You don’t burden me with expectations I could never meet.
Instead, as my most reasonable act of worship,
I offer my body and life as a living sacrifice until my last breath.
Thank You for finding me.
For every time I looked away in an attempt to hide my shame,
Thank You for chasing after me relentlessly.
You are my Constantine and yet to others you are the same and more
And you love us all the same, all bought with one price
None less valuable than the other
A perfect quintessential lover, trustworthy friend
An ever present bride-groom to a multilateral bride – none amongst her forgotten nor abandoned
May the testimony of my life always be this:
That You were my only true and constant love—Jesus.